Try transforming into a good director, Michael Bay


Just got back from Transformers. All plot holes aside, why, may I ask, do you spend millions of dollars on computer graphics and then obscure them with motion blur, flying dirt and night time fights? Oh right, because your movie sucks. Seriously, since most of the fights had to be night sequences to hide the shabby CGI, the daytime transforms into night faster than Optimus Prime turns into a semi. But wait, you say, there was some cool CGI near the end that wasn’t obscured. Granted, but I bet they literally spent 75% of their effects budget on about 10 seconds of the movie. Also, when did the Autobots get General Motors as a sponsor? And where was the giant cassette player?

A large portion of the film is spent on comedy. Because giant sassy extra-terrestrial robots are hilarious. Where did they learn their sass? Apparently from “your world wide web.” Thanks world wide web. Thanks a lot. This is probably Lowtax’s fault. Seriously though, Mr. Bay, your humor was fine for some individuals in the theater, I’m thinking mostly of the young children and the mentally handicapped, but please, let the atrocities end.

The most amazing moment for me was when the hilarious mother of the main character asked if he had been masturbating in his room (she used that word) and the 8 year old girl behind us asked her parents, “What’s that?” That’s what you get. That’s what you get for taking your 8 year old to a PG-13 rated movie directed by Michael “Armageddon” “The Rock” “Bad Boys (1 and 2)” Bay.

In the end, the question posed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, “Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?” expresses my feelings perfectly.


  • Robbie says:

    uh, I’m michael bay?

  • Now why did you have to go and make fun of Bad Boys II?

    Don’t forget Pearl Harbor… I’d like to think they could make a Transformers 2/Pearl Harbor 2 crossover movie where the Autobots/GM saves us from the Japanese (which would be extra ironic since we stole the Transformers from them initially).

    At any rate, thanks for saving me from having to spend money seeing this crap for myself!

  • kbilly says:

    As you roughly pointed out, when you go and see a Michael Bay movie you know what you’re going to get.
    Personally I love it.
    So do the masses, which I guess is why he gets “to keep on making movies”.

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