The movie that flings its own poo

My wife and I just got back from seeing King Kong. This movie proves me right about Peter Jackson. You may be one of the nerds who believe that Peter Jackson can do no wrong. Why do you believe that? Probably because he made the Lord of the Rings series. No amount of genius on Tolkien’s part can redeem the movies that took some of the scariest villains ever and taught you that you can defeat them by throwing a torch at their faces. They’ll just catch on fire, blunder into each other and then scuttle off like a scorned Dr. Zoidberg. Peter Jackson might be the worst director to ever win a Best Director Oscar, except perhaps James Cameron, though at least Cameron gets haircuts.

Anyway, onto the movie at hand. Peter Jackson takes a classic action adventure movie with a one and a half hour script and then adds another hour and a half to make sure that you will fall asleep faster than a giant monkey soaked in chloroform. Yes, I will call King Kong a monkey, even though he has no tail which makes him an ape. See above comment about nerds.

During the loooong boooooring beginning, we learn the motivation of a number of characters that we could give a rat’s ass about. Naomi Watts’s character is an actress on Vaudeville who only wants to make people (or ape-monkeys apparently) laugh. In fact, this plays a major (read: long scene) role later on where she dances about for Kong’s amusement. This is not quite as entertaining as it might sound. Jack Black is an arrogant selfish director, Adrien Brody is an artsy-fartsy writer, and various other people play even more stereotypical roles. There’s even a 1930’s sailor who  gives a lengthy, wordy, and snooty literary criticism about Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness.  I guess he went to a Liberal Arts school.  There was one great guy, though.  I am not completely sure who he was played by (as I remember exactly two names of characters from this three hour epic), but, he was, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here, the saltiest sea-dog of them all. Throughout the entire movie, he never has more than one eye open at the same time. He dies somewhere along the way, I think. So many people get killed so often, it all kinda blurs together. Apparently, the crew of the ship was somewhere around one hundred men. This means that Adrien Brody’s odds for getting through are pretty good.

Though the movie takes a long time to get going (and a lot of Frighteners-esque camera work), soon (a-couple-of-hours-soon) the action starts to pick up. Jackson clearly thinks that after Lord of the Rings, he’s allowed to make long battle/fight scenes. The fight with the T-Rex-es’s (yes, plural — three solitary territorial scavenger thunder-lizards who all decide to pick on a giant mammal who is larger than any of them) goes on for way too long, but it has everything. The scene taught me a few things: T-Rexes-s’s always go for the arms (either that, or Peter Jackson has an arm biting fetish) and they can stand up in less than five seconds with their tiny comedically-ineffectual arms. Also, when the twenty-ton behemoths are caught above a giant chasm in vines that might — might — hold a Volvo, their first instinct is to eat Naomi Watts. Forget freeing themselves or trying to survive. If they’re going to go out, they’re going to go out with a full stomach, or at least as full as a one hundred twenty pound woman can make them. This scene may last a long time, but the movie is just getting started. Obviously, an island with a giant monkey is going to have a giant-everything-else, which begs the question, how is this gigantified eco-system sustained? The plants aren’t bigger than normal. There aren’t even very many herbivores, from what the movie would have us believe. Everything in the movie tries to eat our “heroes” and occasionally, each other.
Julie and I tried to spot everything that was “faithful” to the original movie. Let’s see…

  • Kong breaks open the T-Rex’s jaw and plays with it.
  • He pulls the escapees up on the vine they are climbing down.
  • The director character says the famous/pretentious line, “Was beauty killed the beast.”
  • There are some natives (who are wearing what seem to be left-over Orc costumes).
  • The monkey breaks some stuff.

Should you go see this movie? Probably not unless you are an easily frightened/entertained thirteen-year-old girl (like the ones sitting infront of us), or you really want to waste a valuable eight dollars and three hours of your life. If, after watching this movie, you still disagree with me that Peter Jackson is a horrible director, go to your local video store and rent a little film named Meet the Feebles. Don’t expect to come away with that with your soul intact, though. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Meet a Feeble

11 Comments

  • not michael says:

    It had its problems, but I liked it.

  • Robbie says:

    “Yes, I will call King Kong a monkey, even though he has no tail which makes him an ape. ”

    Another distinguishing features is the number of ribs: apes have 12 pairs. I learned this from the movie Any Which Way But Loose starring Clint Eastwood.

  • Danso says:

    Dan, yeah, you’re right. But I went with my parents, and they paid for it, so all Peter got from me was 3 1/2 hours.

  • shadow says:

    i loved the movie but hey i dont mind sitting for 3.5 hours, unlike some people. sure the movie did not follow EVERY LAST detail from the original but what remake ever does. i would rather see this kong then some funny looking ape which lags (even though it doesnt lag just looks like it) also the guy who died from the long necked plant eating dinosaur at least died properly. compared the original where the guy was EATEN by a plant eating dinosaur because he was stupid enough to climb a tree. i would agree that the movie was a little slow in the start but ended up being a great movie.

  • mr skin says:

    King Kong was awesome, especially the 15 minute crazy battle with Kong and the dinosaurs. And Jack Black really did a good job as a semi normal character.

  • Adam says:

    dan, you are unbelevebly rite, king kong not only dosent follow the origanal, but it dosent do so so badly that it dosent even look interesting enoph to even give a try, i mean, i sat and watched chicken little with my friend but this piece of shit i can’t say the same for, and, U PAY 8 DOLLARS TO GO TO THE CENIMA??? its 4 pound over here :P, all in all i suggest everone shuld boycot cinimas/film shops everywhere and burn this film, i hate it so mutch that i really get annoyed at the people at my school trading the film on dvd for the fuckin game !!! thats all.

  • Adam says:

    oh shit, i just worked it out, 8 dollars is like 4 pound, vm, sorry, lol

  • Wes says:

    I would have to agree; this is the worst film ever made. The only people who like it are 13 year old girls or hillbillies who watch Nascar. The T-Rex fight scene was absolutely painful to watch, and the brontosaurus avalanches were just silly. They tried to make the deaths of characters that had one line in the movie a tragedy. (Like that Chinese guy; it was supposed to be touching but we never find out who the hell he is) The movie being too long is not a question of attention span; it is the fact that it is a piece of SHIT that lasts 3 1/2 hours… and the DVD is supposed to be closer to FOUR. If a GOOD movie were that long, I would jump for joy, but it was just prolonged torture. The fight scene with the t-rexes was NOT awesome, it was really really really stupid. If they didn’t dump millions just to make the effects in that scene, it woud be worthy of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 parody. The problem is that they can’t because the movie is TOO DAMN LONG; You can’t make fun of it for FOUR HOURS!

  • killer queen says:

    i think the film was cool, some parts were a bit long and unessicary but the film overall was very good. I didnt watch the movie at the cinemas but i woiuld of thought how good it was on dvd it must of been 100 times better watching it on a screen the size of a double decker bus!

  • killer queen says:

    by the way happy new year!!!

  • why dont anybody like the film? king kongs the best. Better not let him hearin tht u dnt like him or else ur gunna be an extra bit of the pavement lol

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